Right now I am trying to figure out where I am in the process….been feeling a bit of angst lately and there are several possible culprits. Dh jokes that he marks the calendar to know when I might start “flying of the handle” but truth be told I have a tendency to just withdraw when stuff starts getting to me because I need to process it. Well, I could tell that this was not a withdrawing type of time as I have been quite the grumbler/complainer (primarily under my breath and in my head) about a lot of stuff from little nitpick things like dh not doing….fill in the blank to larger things like the whole Mother’s day issue. I have also been raising my voice more which is something that I do not like to do and is a definite tremor sign.

Other tremors took place yesterday when dh and I discussed the Mother’s day stuff. Well today was the full blown eruption as I just grabbed hold of an issue and ran with it. At least, I hope and pray it was the eruption. We have a lot going on our lives and when I say we it is the collective as the decisions that dh is making impact the rest of us. I, for the most part, pray for him as I know that some of the situations are not the best but I pray for him to make the right decisions. His decisions will mean change for us primarily in the area of our place of worship and there have been several things that have been related to that….as his mind has seemingly vacillated between several different routes, I continue to pray for God to speak to him clearly and in some cases, God has closed routes so they are no longer on the table. In all of this I have to remind myself that he is his own person and I mine and that God made us different because you know that I think some things could be done differently (read better). 🙂

I know though that I am not completely settled back into that place of needing to pray for him and that is why I am aware of the possible after shocks that can develop and sometimes cause more damage than the eruption. I said some things during the eruption that didn’t need to be said at that point because that wasn’t the best time for him to receive them especially not how I hurled them. Also, there are so many loose strings and strings that I thought were tied only to find that they weren’t and I do have a slight controlling nature that God is still working with me on, so I of course could map out the a,b,c of handling strings but that is not the way of my dh.

I really do not have a word that describes my feelings right now because while I often embrace change, the not knowing which change route he is going to choose doesn’t make me excited about the prospect of change. Over the next few days we have some obligations (birthday party, reaffirmation of vows for another couple where he has to do a reading, the Mother’s day family thing) that do not lend time for some real discussion (not that I completely know what needs to be discussed). His idea of support is praying for him where I feel the need to *do* something (too much kinetic energy). If you have read this far and believe in the power of prayer (Father, Son (Jesus) and Holy Spirit), then pray. Thanks!

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